DECEMBER 21, 2010 FRONT PAGE POLITICS BUSINESS MEDIA ENTERTAINMENT COMEDY SPORTS STYLE WORLD GREEN FOOD TRAVEL TECH LIVING HEALTH DIVORCE ARTS BOOKS RELIGION IMPACT EDUCATION COLLEGE NY LA CHICAGO DENVER BLOGS Michael Giltz Freelance writer and raconteur Posted: January 21, 2010 05:05 AM BIO Become a Fan Get Email Alerts Bloggers' Index 2 0 views Gross Funny Crazy Adorable Weird Amazing Finally NerdyExtreme Taliban Makeover: The Secret Memo What's Your Reaction: Read More: Afghanistan , Beyonce , Comedy , Extreme Makeover , Michael Moore , Obama , Comedy News Discover the softer side of the Taliban? The New York Times did an in-depth feature on the Taliban's attempt to makeover its image to woo more locals inAfghanistan.</p><p> Spiritual leader Mullah MuhammadOmar urged his followers to avoid suicide bombings of civilians, stop burning down schools and maybe slow down on the cutting off of ears and lips and tongues.The code has been "spottily enforced" but the Talibanhasn't stopped there.</p><p> Once they denounced the internet as the playground of infidels.</p><p> Now the Taliban has an internet magazine, sends out text messages and uses other ploys to win over, you know, the kids.</p><p> They won't stop there, as this secret memo reveals.</p><p> EXTREME TALIBAN MAKEOVER To: Muhammad Omar cc: Osama Bin Laden, Taliban underlings, friendly tribal chiefs Asalam Alaykum! As the youngest member of the Taliban inner circle and the only one with a blog, I've been asked to suggest some ways the Taliban can get younger, hipper and win over the hearts and mindsof the Afghan people.</p><p> Here goes. 1.</p><p> IPHONE APP -- We NEED an iPhone app.</p><p> You could have a Taliban Rulz! app that promotes our image as badasses (like gangsta rap, but Islamic) AND spells out the do's and don'ts of living under the Taliban. (DO follow sharia law.</p><p> DON"T date Jews.</p><p> Actually, don't date.) But that's not ideal for recruitment.</p><p> So I think our first app should be a game.</p><p> How's this? You get one minute to herd as manysheep onto the road as possible.</p><p> The more sheep you get onto the road, the more infidels you involve in a traffic jam and the more of them that die in a roadside bombing! The kids will love it. it's got playabilty and teaches some useful tactical lessons.</p><p> MOST POPULAR ON HUFFPOST 1 of 2BIG NEWS: Funny Videos | Funny Pictures | Political Humor | Comedy Slideshows | Smarter Ideas | More...</p><p> Don't Miss Tonight's Rare Full Moon Eclipse Comments (291) Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Passes Senate Procedural Vote Comments (25,003) WATCH LIVE: Rare Lunar Eclipse On Winter Solstice Comments (313) Timothy Karr Obama FCC Caves on Net Neutrality -- Tuesday...</p><p> Comments (3,952) Al Franken The Most Important Free Speech Issue of Our Time Comments (1,362) PHOTOS: 10 Things We've Accidentally Learned From Crime Dramas Comments (326) Sarah Palin Jabs Michelle Obama's Anti-Obesity Campaign Comments (5,077) PHOTOS: 13 Products Most Likely To Be Made By Child Or Forced Labor Comments (1,628) Amanda Knox Court Makes Crucial Ruling Comments (2,259)LOG IN | SIGN UP Get Comedy Alerts Email Comments 1 Comments 1 Pending Comments 0View FAQ An Obama Christmas Have a Very Tea Party Christmas! 'I Just Had Sex': The Lonely Island... 'SNL': Julian Assange Responds To Mark Zuckerberg...2.</p><p> THEME SONG -- Every good campaign needs a theme song.</p><p> Now I know we usually behead anyone listening to pop music.</p><p> But we used to behead anyone with a gmail account and look how times have changed! A good pop hit could really turn it around for us.</p><p> I bet we could get Beyonce.</p><p> She took $2 million to do a New Year's Eve show for Hannibal Gadaffi, the reportedly violent youngest son of brutal dictator Moammar Gadaffi.</p><p> This guy reportedly beat his wife on Christmas Day (that's a holiday of theinfidels) and they both were detained in Switzerland for reportedly beating their servants.</p><p> And his name is Hannibal.</p><p> And she STILL did the show! So a theme song for us should be no problem.</p><p> Maybe "SingleLadies (Put A Burka On It)?" 3.</p><p> SUICIDE BOMBINGS -- It's just a really depressing concept, no matter how much you talk up the 72 virgins.</p><p> I know, I know, we call them shahids (martyrs), but that hasn't caught on with the Western press and that trickles down to the Afghans and hurts recruitment.</p><p> So we've got to rebrand it again.</p><p> Ithought of Final Destination, which is a really cool movie franchise, but they wouldn't give us the rights.</p><p> Paradise Patrons? Velvet Rope Revolutionaries? Infidel-Away? I'm open to suggestions. 4.</p><p> TWITTER ACCOUNTS -- If I've said this once, I've said it a thousand times: Get a Twitter account everyone! Twitter is huge and we're really missing out on a quick and efficient way of communicating with all our followers. (Hey, they're even called Followers on Twitter.</p><p> Go figure.) Think of thepossibilities.</p><p> Got a beheading scheduled? Twitter it so people know.</p><p> About to set off a roadside bomb?Twitter it in Arabic and everyone can scatter.</p><p> Don't worry if the Americans discover your Twitter account; before they finish translating, the bomb will have gone off.</p><p> But someone tell Bin Laden he should NOT Twitter where he's at.</p><p> If the CIA ever figures out his Twitter name, it could get ugly. 5.</p><p> SELF-IMMOLATING WOMEN -- As you know, some of the Afghan women are so filled with despair by the prospect of life under the Taliban that they commit suicide by setting themselves on fire.</p><p> Women.</p><p> Still, this does get us bad press.</p><p> But maybe we could turn this around.</p><p> When it happens again, just say the women are selfishly contributing to global warming.</p><p> Everyone knows global warming is caused mostly by Western countries -- especially the US -- and it has the added advantage of linkingthese women to oil companies.</p><p> Everyone hates oil companies. 6.</p><p> REALITY TV SHOW -- We should have a reality TV show.</p><p> Maybe follow a suicide bomber -- I mean Paradise Patron -- from recruitment to finale? Or shadow a Taliban chief as he deals with recalcitrant tribal leaders, battles the foreign infidels and watches over his (many) wives and children.</p><p> The constant problems they have to solve would make for great TV; like Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares without the cussing.</p><p> According to FOX News, our biggest fan is film director Michael Moore, but when I called Moore to pitch the project, as soon as I id'd myself he told me to F--- off and that he hated our brutal, anti- woman, anti-infidel regime so I don't know who to believe anymore. 7.</p><p> DO NOTHING -- Frankly, we don't have to do anything to improve our image.</p><p> The US keeps trashing its own reputation so we look better and better in comparison every day.</p><p> Predictably, they've aligned themselves with a corrupt regime that stole the last election, clings to power and offers nothing in return.We wouldn't have elections of course, but that still makes us look better than Karzai's hypocrisy.</p><p> And with Obama increasing troop levels even more (but nowhere near the level needed to actually pacify thecountry), they get to infuriate the Afghan people and drive them into our arms while providing moretargets for us to blow up.</p><p> It's a win-win.</p><p> For us.</p><p> Follow Michael Giltz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/michaelgiltz More in Comedy... 1 of 5 Billie Jean King Repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Is a Big Deal Al Franken The Most Important Free Speech Issue of Our TimeDON'T MISS HUFFPOST BLOGGERS HOT TRENDS carrie prejean chrimbus eva mendes video snl digital short stefon FOLLOW HUFFINGTON POST New Facebook Trend - the 'Super-Logoff' Read More » Teachers TurnLady Gaga IntoHistory Lesson Read More » Old CartoonCharacter ProfilePictures On Facebook - Why Care Bears, LooneyToons and SmurfsAre Taking Over Read More » powered by buzzfeed Tron: LegacyInspired Light UpShoes Read More » Kathleen HannaPerforms "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Read More » The Saddest Christmas CardEver Read More » powered by buzzfeed 208 Fans Not funny at all.MOST DISCUSSED RIGHT NOW HOT ON FACEBOOK HOT ON TWITTER NBA Video Poverty Health 30 Rock Immigration Death & Dying Islam ChristianityHUFFPOST'S BIG NEWS PAGES MORE BIG NEWS PAGES » FRONT PAGE POLITICS BUSINESS MEDIA ENTERTAINMENT COMEDY SPORTS STYLE WORLD GREEN FOOD TRAVEL TECH LIVING HEALTH DIVORCE ARTS BOOKS RELIGION IMPACT EDUCATION COLLEGE NY LA CHICAGO DENVER BLOGS Advertise | Log In | Make HuffPost your Home Page | RSS | Careers | FAQ | Contact Us User Agreement | Privacy | Comment Policy | About Us | Powered by Movable Type Copyright © 2010 TheHuffingtonPost.com, Inc. | "The Huffington Post" is a registered trademark of TheHuffingtonPost.com, Inc.</p><p> All rights reserved.</p><p> Recency | Popularity HUFFPOST SUPER USER Kaviraj 09:38 AM on 1/21/2010 Permalink | Share itPHOTO: Is This The Weirdest Christmas Decoration Of All Time? 122 Comments WATCH: The Dream Of The 90s Is Alive In 'Portlandia' 134 Comments PHOTOS: The Funniest Alternative Christmas Trees 43 Comments 7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now 71 Comments WATCH: Kids Get Christmas Story Hilariously Wrong 6 Comments WATCH: Juilian Assange Responds To Mark Zuckerberg's Time Award 153 CommentsComments are closed for this entry View All
